I believe this year’s election is the most important of our lifetime. The next President of the United States will be making decisions that will chart our nation’s course for the next century. We need a strong, principled leader who is ready to shake up Washington. That’s why I’ll be voting for The Demonic Creature That Emerged From the Depths of Hell.
I’m just as surprised as you are. A few months back when the ground in front of the White House split open, flames shot out and from that emerged a giant, winged demon creature vowing to win the presidential election and bring about “an age of darkness and suffering that will cover the land for all of eternity,” I was just as skeptical as everyone else. Who was this guy with zero political experience who thought he could just waltz through a giant chasm of fire and run for president? None of the pundits took him seriously, but here we are just a couple of months later and he’s polling over 45% nationally. The truth is, the more I listen to the demon creature talk, the more his words resonate with me.
Now I imagine you’re making the same face that all liberals make when someone tells you they’re voting for The Demonic Creature That Emerged From the Depths of Hell. That dismissive, “Are you for real?” smirk. Yes, I am for real and there are millions of Americans just like me. We like that the guy isn’t a politician! Thanks to his ability to retreat into the Earth’s core and emerge with large amounts of gold he’s able to self-fund his campaign. He’s not beholden to wealthy donors or special interest groups. He speaks his mind! Like when he says, “The Earth will be scorched and the rivers shall run with blood!” That might sound extreme, but after decades of seeing jobs being shipped overseas to places like, China, Mexico and the Philippines there are plenty of Americans who are angry and frustrated. We’re ready to watch the Earth burn if it means he can actually get something done.